Two Types of Large Cocktail Parties
Requests to Play Certain Songs
Please Help Us Make These Parties Successful
JJ Williams — Dance Instructor
The schedule for the large cocktail parties for the rest of 2006 is:
The large cocktail parties are in almost all cases offered on a Monday or Tuesday evening, simply due to economics -- if I gave them on other evening, the Ritz and the Harvard Club would charge me a substantial amount of money to rent the rooms. (The party on Thursday, September 14 is a fluke, as the Grand Ballroom just happens to be free.) Most people have told me that Tuesday evening is a better night for them to go out to a party than Monday evening. Accordingly, I intend for most of the large to be given on a Tuesday. For the rest of 2006, most of the large parties are being given on a Monday, as it just happens that is when the Grand Ballroom is free.
I started hosting these parties in November, 2002. The sole purpose I give them is for interesting people to meet other interesting people, to develop a sense of community in Boston. Accordingly, I have always excluded anything that interfered with these goals.
In particular, I resisted dancing at my parties. Too many parties I’ve been to had dancing that made it hard to talk with people. Over time, more and more people suggested dancing, and I kept saying to myself, “How do we do this and be consistent with the mission of the parties?”
For the first time, at the 30th large cocktail party on July 11, 2006, we had dancing. We also had dancing at the 31st party two weeks later, on July 25. The response was overwhelmingly positive, so going forward, we will have dancing at many (but not most) of the large cocktail parties. At the same time, we will make certain that those who want to talk will also feel comfortable.
I started this social group in November, 2002. As noted in the history of these parties, I started socializing a lot in 2002 and I was surprise at how bad most of the parties in Boston were — crowded location, poor layout, and loud music. In particular, I was surprised at how many rude and flaky people they are in Boston, many of whom have terrible social skills. After complaining about this for several months, I gave my first party in November of that year, never expecting the first party to lead to the creation of the most successful "high end" social group in Boston, with over 5000 members.
From the beginning, I had a very clear idea of the ideal guest — an interesting person with an interesting career, polite, not rude or flaky, someone with good social skills who was good at cultivating friendships. (See our membership criteria and our expectations of our members). Those were the kind of people I sought to attract to these parties, and most would agree that we've been extremely successful — almost every time I go to someone's else event with those on my list, I get one or more e-mails that say in effect, "The people last night were O.K. but nothing like the people I meet at your parties." From the beginning, I have had only one purpose in mind — for polite and interesting people to meet similar people so they can make new friends. I did not — and do not — intend to start a dancing club. The purpose of these parties is social. Dancing has been added to make the parties more fun, but dancing is not and will never be the primary purpose of the parties.
I regularly solicit feedback from members as to how to make the parties better. In many cases, I send an e-mail to everyone on the list. When I have done so, for most issues a clear consensus arises as to what most of the members preferred. This made leading the group much easier; I simply did what 90 percent of the members who voiced an opinion wanted.
In July, 2006, I sent an e-mail seeking feedback about dancing at the large cocktail parties. I received 53 responses — 36 from women and 17 from men. All but two of the women were highly enthusiastic about dancing. The men's reaction was more mixed. About two-thirds were in favor, but there were a substantial number of men who did not want dancing at the parties.
In soliciting feedback about dancing, I found that on many issues — such as which kind of dancing to offer, whether to have instruction, when instruction and dancing should start — there was no consensus among the members. Opinions were all over the map and most were totally convinced their perspective was the correct one. In deciding these issues, I realize I will not please everyone and there's nothing I can do about that. If you really disagree with my decisions, you can simply not come to the dancing parties and only attend the cocktail parties.
(In some ways, this is similar to the comments I receive about the age of the people attending the parties — a significant number of people think there are too few people close to their age and far too many people who are substantially older or younger than they are. Lots of 25-year olds tell me there are too many people over 40 at my parties. Lots of 45 year olds tell me we have too many undergraduates, graduate students and 20 somethings at my parties. My response has always been that the large parties have never been age specific. Going forward, I expect to offer numerous smaller cocktail parties for various age ranges, once our database is connected to our Web site and we can solicit years of birth for those who have not already provided that information.)
In making these decisions, foremost in my mind is that my only interest in hosting these parties is to encourage social interaction among the guests. To the extent that dancing facilitates that, great. If dancing interferes with the primary purpose of these parties — for interesting and polite people to meet other interesting and polite people — dancing will be dropped in a heartbeat.
There are now two types of large cocktail parties:
Approximately one-half of the large cocktail parties will have dancing.
These parties are not open to the public. Attendance at my large (and smaller) cocktail parties is limited to those on the invitation list and their guests. If someone has come more than once as a guest, they should apply to be placed on the invitation list. Invitations are sent by Evite and we do not post the dates of future parties on any Web site.
Some who love to dance have asked if they can only be invited to the dancing parties. Conversely, a few who prefer that dancing not be offered at my large cocktail parties have asked if they can only be invited to the cocktail parties without dancing. In both cases, the answer is no; our database is simply not set up that way. At the beginning of each Evite, I will tell you whether there will be dancing or not. If you feel strongly either way, simply RSVP "No" for the parties you are not interested in.
People attending the dancing parties will fall into three categories:
At the dancing parties, over a 24 month period we hope to offer:
When JJ Williams offers instruction, his focus will be on partner dancing.
Several people have asked about tango. I am skeptical of the tango, because I have been told that it is very difficult to teach people how to dance tango in any reasonable time. One might argue that those that want to dance more difficult dances such as the tango will need to go to dance clubs, or you can contact JJ about lessons (617 623-7571 or JJWilliams623@gmail.com). One of our members, Diane Haas, has offered to offer a tango night. We'll try it once and see how it goes.
Three people asked about the foxtrot. These parties are for people of all ages and I haven't find anyone under 40 who had any interest in the foxtrot.
If instruction is offered, the music that is played after instructions ends will be primarily music suited for the kind of dancing that was taught — e.g., if JJ offered instruction in the swing, most of the songs played that evening will be songs suitable for dancing swing, so that people can practice the steps they learned.
This needs to be reworded!
At most of the dancing parties, JJ will be offering instruction, beginning at 7:30. Most of the people on the invitation list are not good dancers and they need instruction. The focus will be on beginning steps. In a few cases, JJ might offer a few intermediate steps.
Some of our members are excellent dancers and some of them have requested that we offer advanced instruction. This will never happen. These people comprise perhaps 5 percent of the invitation list and thus it makes no sense to offer instruction that would be too advanced for 95 percent of the list. Nor do I intend to offer special parties that are oriented for advanced dancers. The purpose of these parties is social, not dancing. I have no intention of making this social group into a dancing group. There are plenty of venues in Boston where one can take advanced dancing lessons; these parties are not one of them.
Some have said that they don't want or need instruction. The problem is that most people do want and need it. If you're not interested in instruction, it will end between 8 and 8:15. Simply stay in the talking rooms until the instruction is over and then join us in the dancing room when the instruction ends.
At the dancing parties, anyone in the dancing room who is not wearing a yellow dot will be strongly encouraged to dance by the facilitators. If you don't want to be encouraged, when you enter the party, you will be given a yellow dot to place on your nametag if you want to indicate that you don't want to dance.
If you are in the dancing room and you are not wearing a yellow dot on your nametag, we assume you want to dance. At most of the dancing clubs in town, the etiquette is that if you are asked to dance, you will accept. You only need to dance one dance with that person; after that, you are free to move on. The only possible exception is if you have just danced several dances and you are tired.
I've decided to adopt this etiquette rule for the dancing parties. I have noticed that fear of rejection causes numerous people (at my parties and elsewhere) to not approach others, whether to talk, dance or flirt. By eliminating as much as possible the fear of rejection, I expect that more people will step forward to ask others to dance.
Several have said, "We're mature adults. We don't need something as contrived as a dot on a nametag." For the last several years, I have spent a significant amount of time asking members questions such as:
Time and time again, I learn that most people — including most people on my invitation list — suffer from a fear of rejection which in most cases precludes them from approaching people. I want the dancing parties to be as free from this as possible, so that almost everyone will feel comfortable asking someone else to dance.
If you ask someone in the dancing room who is not wearing a yellow dot on their nametag to dance and the refuse, please let me know afterwards and I will speak with them.
In running this social group, I devise policies bases on how people are, not how I or they wish they were. Many people on the invitation list are shy and most fear rejection, so I've instituted this policy of not refusing requests to dance.
The dancing parties will start at 6. If instruction is offered that evening, it will begin at 7:30; otherwise, dancing will begin at 7:30. (We start these 30 minutes earlier in order to provide enough talking time.) The cocktail parties begin at 6:30.
A few people have suggested that we start the instruction much earlier, say 6 or 6:30. This makes little sense to me. The dancing parties start at 6. This may shock you, but most people do not show up at the starting time for a party. Approximately 500 people attend each dancing party, and about 75 of them are there by 6:30. We give the large cocktail parties on a Monday and Tuesday evenings, days in which more people work, sometimes late. Many of the guests — particularly women — go home and change before they come to these parties. If we started the instruction at 6:30, more than 80 percent of the people would miss the beginning of the instruction. What would be the purpose of having instruction?
By starting the instruction at 7:30 — and letting everyone know that is when the instruction starts — almost two-thirds of the people attending will be able to partake of the instruction, if they wish.
Those who suggest an earlier time for instruction to begin usually have a different purpose in mind for these parties. They want them to dancing parties, but that is not why I give them. These are social parties, some of which happen to have dancing. They are not — and will never be — parties whose primary purpose is dancing. If that's what you're looking for, there are lots of places to do that in Boston. Assuming instruction ends by 8:15 and assuming you leave at 10:30, you'll have 2 1/4 hours of dancing. If you want more dancing than that, you can stay past 10:30.
At the dancing parties, if instruction will be offered, at 7:30 the lights will be dimmed in the dancing room and I will make an announcement. At that time, we ask that everyone stop talking so that I and then JJ may be heard. I will ask anyone who is a Talker to convene to the talking room(s). I will ask the Watchers put their yellow dot on their nametag (if they haven't done so already) and to move away from the dance floor.
Anyone left is by definition a Dancer. If you're in the dancing room when dancing starts and you're not wearing a yellow dot, that means you intend to dance. JJ will ask the women to line up in one line, and the men in another. JJ will provide 30 to 45 minutes of instruction.
If during the instruction or the dancing there are people milling around who are not Watchers, I or JJ will ask the Dancers to ask them to dance.
Glenn Kinney is our DJ. In most cases he will honor requests to play specific songs. Whether he honors requests or not, neither he nor I can win. If Glenn says "No" if someone asks him to play a certain song, that person will complain to his closest 50 friends. If Glenn honors requests, then the type of music played will not be consistent throughout the party. I certainly don't feel qualified to suggest to Glenn (one of the best DJs in Boston) what to play. Neither Glenn nor I want to refuse people's requests. So unless a request is completely inappropriate (we're not going to play Mahler's Ninth Symphony or a rap song advocating that people kill cops), Glenn will honor it.
One of my pet peeves is that at many parties, the music is so loud that you cannot easily talk. At Whiskey Park, this may not matter, since how many of us would want to hear what the average patron of Whiskey Park has to say? At my parties, on the other hand, loud music would defeat the purpose of the parties.
You want the music loud enough to draw you to dance, to provide a beat, but not so loud that it is difficult to hear the other person talk. Although this may seem like solely personal preference, I think this can actually be empirically measured — i.e., if 85 percent of the Watchers can easily converse with other Watchers in the dancing room, I would contend the music is not too loud. That is what I will shoot for. (If this was true of 100 percent of the Watchers, then the music is probably too soft.) Whenever we have a rock 'n roll dancing party (and we will), this criteria will probably not be met. Those who find the music too loud can always go into the talking room(s).
If instruction is offered, the lights will be only slightly dimmed, so everyone can see the instructor. Once the dancing starts, the lights will be dimmed half-way — enough to provide a romantic mood for the party, but bright enough so you can see whomever you are dancing with. (I've learned that I need to know how to control the lights, rather than depending on the Ritz technicians.) Whatever the brightness, no doubt some people will want the lights brighter or dimmer. If I turn them down half-way, presumably no one will be too upset. The talking rooms will have normal lighting.
The large cocktail parties are given at the Ritz-Carlton and the downtown Harvard Club of Boston. At each of these venues, there will be a dancing room and one or more talking room(s). I shouldn't have to say this, but dancing will be conducted in the dancing room, while the talking room(s) are set aside for the Talkers.
To get to the Grand Ballroom, go up the stairs in the lobby to a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is the foyer/reception room. To your right is the Grand Ballroom (“GBR”), which is the dancing room. To your left is the Ritz-Carlton room (“CR”), which has been used to check coats in the past — this is the talking room. As you enter the foyer, my greeter will give you a yellow dot which you may use to designate yourself a Watcher.
When you enter the GBR, you are entering on the West side of the room. If you walk directly across the room, you are at the East side of the room (looking out the window you will see the Boston Public Garden). On the right (South) side as you enter the GBR are the stairs to the balcony. On the left (North) side as you enter the GBR is Commonwealth Avenue.
Starting in July, 2006, the financial district has had serious traffic problems, due to the closure of several tunnels as a result of falling ceiling that killed a woman. Until these traffic problems are resolved, none of the large cocktail parties will be given in the financial district. I expect these problems to be solved sometime in 2007 (not in 2006), and as soon as they do, we will have some of the large parties at the downtown Harvard Club.
The downtown Harvard Club occupies the entire top floor of One Federal Street. As you exit the elevators, on one side is the Harbor side and the other is the city side. The Harbor side offers a view of the Boston Harbor. The City side offers a view of Back Bay, the Charles River, and the MIT gold dome. The Crimson Pub is on the City side of the building. The large room on the Harbor side is the dancing room.
We want to make the dancing parties fun for the Talkers. The Ritz-Carlton room is lovely and will have lots of cozy seats to sit on. At the Harvard Club, only the large room on the Harbor side will have dancing.
For those Talkers who believe that my adding dancing to some of the cocktail parties is yet another sign of the decline of Western civilization, I offer the following:
Running a dancing party is frankly difficult. Please make it easier for me and JJ. If you want to only talk, please convene to the talking room(s) at 7:30. When the lights are dimmed, please stop talking and ask those who don't to also stop talking. If you want to be a Watcher, please wear a yellow dot on your nametag. If you are not a Talker or a Watcher, you are a Dancer; please come onto the dance floor.
At many of the dancing parties, JJ Williams will provide lessons for free. If you need a dance instructor, please give him a call at (617) 623-7571 or e-mail him at JJWilliams623@Gmail.com.
Glenn Kinney will be the Disk Jockey for many of the dancing parties. If you need a DJ, please call him at (978) 345-3416 or e-mail him at gkinney@fas.harvard.edu.
If you have any questions, please e-mail me at jmitchell@kensingtonllc.com or call him at (781) 647-0136.
—James Mitchell