Any thoughts about momentum in a relationship?
Momentum is important in relationships. Often with on-line dating, the momentum is destroyed. It takes several days for her to respond to each e-mail, she wants several e-mails before you have a phone call, then she finally gives you her phone number, it takes her 3 days to call back, then she's not free for a week. Frankly, I lose interest. Either she's not interested in me, she's too busy, she's not serious about wanting a relationship, or she is completely, totally, utterly clueless about how to pursue a relationship. Again, I'm looking for someone who is intelligent about how to pursue a relationship, someone who realizes that high quality guys are rare in Boston and acts accordingly.
For me, the ideal way to start a relationship would be to meet someone at a party, so both of you know whether there is chemistry. You talk for an hour. Both of you are so interested in the other that you decide to leave the party and go to dinner, and then go dancing or for a nightcap until the early morning. You can't wait for a second date and at the end of the first date you both decide to see each other within a few days.
What about "friends first"?
I've never had any romantic relationship — from casual ones to ones where I was head-over-heels in love — start as "friends first." If a girl wants to be friends first, it usually means she is not attracted to you, is not ready for a relationship, or her views about love and romance are so different that realistically it's not going to work.
I DO want my girlfriend to be my best friend, and I want a romantic relationship that is based on a lot more than just physical attraction. But romance and affection are important parts of dating. The few women I've met that prefer "friends first" dating remain single for a long, long time. (There is some justice in this world.) Fortunately, there are few women in Boston that subscribe to the "friends first" philosophy.
What about long distance relationships?
Except for L when she moved out of state, I've never done one and I'm not a big fan of them. If the PERFECT woman wrote me from New York, I would certainly consider it, but I'd be very skeptical. Ideally, I'm looking for someone who lives within a 30 minute drive from Waltham. I like to spend a lot of time with someone I'm involved with.
Do you think there is a shortage of high-quality guys in Boston?
There is both a shortage of high quality guys and girls in Boston. The dating market is an efficient market, so most of the good ones get taken reasonably quickly. Many of the remaining eligible ones are single for a good reason, such as they're ridiculously picky, they aren't intelligent about dating, or they don't have time for a relationship.
As for the relative scarcity of high quality girls vs. guys, clearly if one goes to the various social events and parties in Boston, there is a much greater shortage of high quality guys than girls. There may be lots of high quality guys in Boston who are not taken, but few of them are attending, say, black tie charity events.
So where are the high quality guys in Boston?
I know, but I'm not going to tell you. After all, why would I want to increase the competition? ;-)
Seriously, I don't have the faintest idea. Probably at some bar somewhere with their buddies, complaining how hard it is to meet high quality girls.
Any advice on dating, particularly suggestions on how to meet a high quality guy?
I thought you would never ask.
First, one should recognize that high quality guys and high quality girls are rare in Boston, but that — particularly over the age of 30 — there is a much greater shortage of high quality guys than high quality girls. High quality guys are much less likely to go to social events, so they're much harder to meet than high quality girls. ("Why are men like parking spaces?" "Good ones are impossible to find.")
That's the bad news. The good news is that both sexes are on the whole foolish in how they approach dating and romance, and thus if you act intelligently, your chances increase substantially. It's not that you have to be particularly intelligent about dating, you simply have to be less foolish than most of the other women in Boston. (It's like the joke — Two men see a bear. One starts to put on his running shoes. The other says, "Don't be a fool. No man can outrun a bear." The other replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.")
You should decide what are your dealbreakers and what are mere preferences — i.e., separate your must have list from your wish list. If you want children, then he must want to be a father — that's a dealbreaker. Most women (and men) have too many items as dealbreakers. Every woman would like the guy to be taller than her. If you're 5'4", that's no problem. If you're 6' and that's a dealbreaker, you've just thrown away probably 80 percent of the dating pool by that one factor alone. Many Jewish women want to find a Jewish guy. But is that really a dealbreaker? If so, you've eliminated 97 percent of the men out there, since Jews are only 3 percent of the population. (A misleading statistic in many ways, since Jews are over represented in large cities and in high status occupations.)
Realize that on the whole, guys are very simple creatures, far less complex and far more homogeneous than women are. So it's possible for women to understand men, while men will never completely understand women. That's why it's important to have several close male friends, who can explain guys to you.
Most guys place girls into one of several categories. One possible categorization might be:
Guys make these judgments rather quickly. Some might say too quickly, but that's the way guys are. It's possible for a girl to move into a different category, but that doesn't happen very often. So you want to be placed into the right category the first time. This often happens as soon as 15 minutes after you meet a guy, so first impressions count. That's the bad news. The good news is that since guys are so simple and predictable, you have a lot more control over which category you are placed than you realize.
Decide what you want to achieve in dating. If you're 19 and in college and you just want to have a good time, that's one thing. If you're 25 and want a long-term relationship but are not necessarily looking to get married, that's another. If you're 38, you want kids and you're worried about the biological time clock, then you want a high quality guy to view you as Category I. And if you've just ended a marriage and you just want a fling, that's yet another. So decide what you want and what you are looking for.
In terms of marriage, almost every high quality guy is seeking someone who is attractive, nice, intelligent, romantic, feminine and classy, even if he does not use these exact words. If you're wearing butch clothes, he's not going to view you as feminine. If you're wearing cheap perfume, he's not going to view you as classy.
Almost every high quality guy finds femininity attractive. As Rachel Greenwald says in "Find a Husband After 35: Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School" (New York: Ballantine Books, 2003, viii, 322 pp., pp. 60-61) (an excellent book, by the way):
"Part of evaluating your look and how you are perceived by men requires a frank assessment of whether or not you look and act feminine. I am a devoted fan of femininity. Yes, it's old fashioned, and many women strong disagree with this, but I have seen time and time again that men are usually more attracted to women in skirts than in pants. I mean that literally as well as figuratively. I believe that most men seek women who exude feminine qualities. Of course, there are exceptions out there — as in everything else — but in The Program you are doing things to improve your odds. ...
"The feminine look that most men tell me they like is longer hair, flowing skirts, soft fabrics, an ever-so-slightly revealing neckline, small-scale jewelry, and manicured fingernails and toenails. They confide that they prefer women who project a feminine image not only with their appearance, but also with their behavior. This doesn't mean they like a giggling Barbie doll; rather, they like a gracious woman who is a good listener. They prefer to take the initiative. For better or worse, the old-fashioned stereotype that men like to do the pursuing is alive and well."
If you smoke, about 98 percent of the high quality guys will eliminate you solely for that reason. In short, you've thrown away almost every high quality guy before you start. (The not-so-high quality guys will be happy to date a smoker, but presumably you don't want to date them.) If you're a smoker, the odds of marrying a high quality guy — when you consider everything else that has to go right — are about equal to winning the lottery. Sure, he might be willing to take you home that night, but he's not going to take you to meet Mom.
If you're overweight, certain outfits do a better job of hiding this than others. Wearing tight fitting jeans is probably not a good idea, while wearing a slightly loosely fitting skirt would be.
Like women, guys — consciously and more likely than not subconsciously — look at superficial signals to judge a woman. Heavy makeup, lots of loud cheap jewelry, extremely long fingernails with super bright nail polish — all these are signs of someone that you would not want to take home to meet Mom.
Guys are less detail oriented than girls are, so many subtle things will not even be noticed by guys. One girl I know told a guy that she was worried that her shoes not match her outfit. The guy responded, "I'm not looking at your shoes." So concentrate of what a guy is looking at, rather than the stuff he'll never notice. (If you want to know what guys focus on, just ask a few male friends. I assure you it is not your shoes.)
Sexy clothes are fine as long as they are classy. If they look cheap, then you aren't going to be viewed as Category I. Most guys love curves on a girl. If you're got a decent figure, clothes that emphasize your female form will appeal to most guys.
Most guys like being the guy and want the girl to be the girl. In most cases, you can indicate you want to be treated like a girl (like waiting for him to open the door for you). When you do this, a signal goes off in the guy that says, "Ah, she is a girl and wants to be treated like a girl, rather than a Platonic friend."
At parties, guys are constantly looking at you, checking you out, trying to get a read on what you're like. If you're with a group of friends, and he can't get a clear read about you, he will to some extent judge you by your friends — "A" quality people tend to associate with other "A" quality people. If your girlfriends smoke, if they're wearing cheap clothing, if they swear a lot, if they're chewing gum, he is unlikely to view you as Category I. Thus, if you go to a bar or a party with friends and you want to meet a high quality guy, then go with high quality girlfriends.
If you're with a group of friends (as opposed to being alone), you make it harder for a guy to approach you, since even confident guys do not feel comfortable approaching two or more women. (One solution to this is if a guy teams up with another guy. Two guys can feel comfortable approaching even 10 women at once.)
If at a party you want to meet guys, then don't spend most of your time talking with girls! The girl you are talking with is not going to transform herself into a handsome prince before your very eyes.
Most girls go to parties and then wait for guys to approach them. Inevitably the guys they are not interested in approach them, while the guys they are interested in don't. There's a simple solution for this — Go talk to the guys you are interested in! There's no law that I'm aware of that says a girl can't introduce herself to a guy at a party. I remember one girl approached me and told me that my tie was a bit off center and would I mind if she corrected it. Two seconds later she was adjusting my tie and she had me eating out of her hand. (The beauty of this is that a guy has no way of knowing whether his tie is actually off center. If it's not, how is he going to know?)
If you see a guy checking you out and he looks interesting, make it easy for him to approach you. Smile at him, even wave. Most guys love this.
Most girls exaggerate the "down side risk" in approaching a guy and talking with him. If you approach a guy you find interesting, and he is not interested in you, I guarantee you he will not file a lawsuit against you or take out a gun and shoot you. The worst that will happen is that he will be rude. If he is, so what? It's his loss, not yours.
If you're a tall girl and you're willing to date guys shorter than you, then you're going to have to approach guys at parties. Here's why. Most women want to date guys taller than they are, and men know this. Let's assume you're 6' tall. Most guys will assume that you want to date someone taller than you, and thus any guy less than, say, 6'2" tall will assume you're not interested in him. So 90 percent of the guys at a party aren't going to approach you — no matter how attractive you are — because they assume they're wasting their time. Instead, they'll talk to shorter girls, even if they find you to be more interesting. So you're going to have to approach them and flirt with them, letting them know (in effect) that you'll date someone shorter than you.
Assuming you want to be approached by men, do not wear ANY kind of ring on your wedding ring finger (the fourth finger of your left hand). Single guys have a very predictable visual pattern — they first look at you to see if they find you attractive, and then they look at your left hand to see if you're wearing a wedding ring. Not every guy has good eyesight and sometimes a guy at a party will check you out from afar. From afar or if your eyesight is not 20/20, all kinds of rings look like they could be a wedding or engagement ring. If there is a doubt, many guys won't take the risk that you are engaged or married; instead, they'll focus on girls who have no ring on that finger and thus are almost certainly not engaged or married. (If only girls (and guys) would also wear rings if they were seeing someone exclusively, it would save a lot of time, wouldn't it?)
Every guy, no matter how successful he is with women, worries to some extent about being rejected. Even Pierce Brosnan and Richard Gere have been turned down for dates more often than not. If a girl eliminates this fear of rejection, the chances of her being approached and asked out increase substantially.
Within 10 minutes of talking with you, most guys have already decided whether they want to go out with you on a first date. No guy needs more than 20 minutes to decide this. So if you're at a party and there are lots of interesting guys you want to talk with, you probably shouldn't spend 4 hours talking with one guy, even if he appears to be THE ONE. Instead, once you've decided you want to go out with him, say something like, "John, I've really enjoyed talking with you and you seem so interesting. I'd love to talk further with you sometime, but I have to go check on my friend Rachel. Here's my business card and let me write my home and mobile numbers on the back. I hope you'll call me." By doing so, you've made it clear you are interested in him, you've clearly indicated that if he asks you out you will say yes (so you've eliminated the fear of rejection), and you're not putting all of your eggs in one basket that evening.
Bring your business cards to parties you attend. Or if you really want to do it right, you could have Kinko's print out personal cards that have your home, mobile and work phone numbers and your personal e-mail address.
Playing hard to get rarely works. Most high quality guys don't have the time or energy to pursue someone who is playing hard to get — there are a lot of other fish in the sea who won't play hard to get.
Conversely, showing that you're genuinely interested in him can make a difference. If he is completely uninterested in you, then it won't make a difference. But if he is uncertain, and you're clearly interested in him, that can often push him over the edge into asking you out. Everyone likes to be appreciated and you've eliminated the risk of rejection.
At the beginning, most guys want reassurance that a girl is interested in him, that she views him as a potential romantic partner rather than a Platonic friend. (If a guy is interested in a girl, the most dreaded three words you can say are "Let's be friends.") Guys look for and crave small gestures that indicate a girl is attracted to him. Gazing into his eyes, brushing against his side, taking his arm as you walk down the street, even telling him he's really cute, all of these reduce the anxiety and uncertainty of "Is she interested in me?"
In general, guys are not interested in "friends first" relationships. If he's romantically interested in you, he'll want to pursue a romantic relationship with you, not be your friend for a few months and then date you. If your approach to dating is friends first, you will eliminate over 95 percent of the guys out there. If nevertheless you still insist on that approach, let him know that before a first date, so he can then decide if he still wants a first date. It will save the both of you a lot of time.
If a high quality guy is interested in you and you are interested in him, make time for him! One girl I know had a great guy pursuing her about three years ago. She was very busy at that time and did not give him the time and attention he wanted. He eventually became fed up and became involved with someone else. She hasn't had a relationship since then.
Most guys appreciate it if you dress up for a date. It shows you are psyched about going out with him.
Be very, very skeptical if a guy does not step up to the plate. Almost all guys know after 15 minutes if they want to have a first date with you. Almost all guys know after a first date if they want to pursue you. Women often accept excuses from men when they should not. An excellent book is "He's just not that into you: The No-excuses truth to understanding guys" by Greg Behrendt.
Under no circumstances should you ever be rude to anyone. If you're on an Internet dating site and a guy writes to you and you're not interested, write a short note back saying, "Thanks for your interest, but I don't think we are a match." If you meet a guy at a party and he leaves word on your voice mail, have the courtesy to call him back, even if you don't want to go out with him. There is so much rudeness in Boston and you should not add to it.
Any advice on writing a personal ad?
I've read a few and it's amazing how bad most of them are.
First, say something about yourself, particularly at the beginning. So many ads begin something like this:
"I haven't been able to meet anyone, and all my friends are doing on-line dating, and I've never done it before, so I thought I would try it out, even though I'm skeptical. I don't really know how to begin describing myself, since there are so many things to say about myself and I only have 500 words to do so. I guess you could say I'm a fun loving, laid back kind of girl."
My time is short and in 75 words, you've told me nothing about yourself other than you can't get to the point (which, come to think of it, is maybe all I need to know).
Second, never describe yourself as "normal." It's not that guys are looking for freaks, it's that "normal" sounds boring.
Third, make yourself sounds exciting and special. Here's one ad I particularly like:
"An undiscovered treasure. Way more than attractive. Gorgeous chestnut hair, fabulous legs, magnificent smile. Lawyer turned exec. Canadian yet rooted to Boston. Radiates confidence and passion. Big-hearted, philanthropic, witty and hip. Values making a difference, balances friends, work, community — knows when to ignore cell phone. As happy at Betrucci's as Mantra or at home with a good Merlot. Loves movies, biking, golf, LA Sports Club. My friends say I am intelligent, independent, quick-witted and funny. And for the most part I wouldn't argue with them."
That girl sounds special and exiting. She differentiates herself from the normal, boring profiles out there. It would be an unusual high quality guy that would not want to write to her.
Fourth, know what you want and then say it. One girl began her ad this way:
"I seek a man whose brilliance is exceeded only by his subtle sense of humor. It is his wont to smile at everything, before laughing at some things. He is analytical, abstract, quick, ironical, exceedingly intellectually curious. He notices fine points which others have passed over in silence. He notices the grand picture when others pick at nits. He is prepared for a woman largely insane and bursting with energy and exuberance, however level-headed he may be. He has probably never met with anyone with complex enough a mental or psychological composition for him to stay with for very long."
At least you know that she is looking for a really bright guy.
Fifth, I've noticed that the more intelligent the girl is, the more likely she is to use complex and compound sentences, more advanced vocabulary, and to write a longer profile. If her profile is short and contains only simple sentences, the odds are low that she is extremely bright.
Sixth, look at other woman's ad and see who you think wrote the most interesting ad. Which ad would compel you to write? In short, check out the competition.
Seventh, guys are visual creatures and many men will write to you after seeing your photo but without reading your ad. Thus, many women doctors receive e-mails from truck drivers. There's not much you can do about it; it's a price you incur when doing Internet dating. One clever woman wrote at the end of this profile, "Just so I know you read my entire ad, please put 'Cherry Blossoms' in the subject line of your letter to me. Otherwise, I'll assume you haven't read my ad and I'll delete your letter without reading it." A bit extreme but highly creative, I thought.
Eight, most guys do view profiles with unconventional grammar, punctuation, spacing and capitalization unfavorably; it could mean she's not very literate. You should begin your sentences with capital letters and put spaces between your sentences.
Finally, it's acceptable to have a typo or two in your e-mails, but you shouldn't have ANY typos in your personal ad. Proofread it! If you need to, copy the text into your word processor and spell check it. If you're not good at proofreading, then ask a friend of yours to review your ad. After you type in your profile, look yourself up by typing in your screen name to see how it looks.
Tell me about people being too specific.
The most common mistake people make in dating is they are specific in their checklist and they are too inflexible. An example of this is a very wealthy business executive who lives in New York. He has retained a dating service that specializes in searches. A friend of mine works there. Here is what he is looking for:
The list goes on for another seven characteristics, but you get the idea.
This man is clueless about love. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm attracted to tall women," but to refuse to date a woman who is not tall is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I find blondes to be appealing," but to refuse to date a great woman who is a brunette is silly. His soulmate is likely a woman who is shorter, a redhead, a different religion, and doesn't have a graduate degree in finance. If there is any justice in this world, this man will either be alone the rest of his life or will marry a girl who is primarily interested in his money.
Do you like it when a girl asks you out?
In Boston, there is an unwritten rule that the guy asks the girl out, not vice versa. The girl can give all kinds of signs she is interested, but the guy is supposed to ask for the first date. (That also seems to be the case with the first kiss.)
That said, I LOVE it when a girl is interested enough in me to ask me out. It doesn't happen that often but when it does, it's very flattering. Whenever a girl initially expresses strong interest in me, I give her a second or third look, to see if I could be interested in her. I also love it when after a first date, a girl sends an e-mail right away saying she had a great time and would love to go out again.
So perhaps with most guys it would be a mistake for a girl to make the first move, but with me it would not be. Nevertheless, there is this unwritten rule in Boston, so I expect to make the first move almost all of the time.
Any thoughts on dating and on-line dating in particular?
As the guy, I expect to do most of the pursuing, but I don't want to do all of the pursuing. If I'm interested in you and you are in me, I will follow through and court you, but I also want you to take some of the initiative. Although you can't really quantify it, I would say that in the ideal relationship, the guy is doing about 75 to 80 percent of the pursuing, with the girl doing the rest.
As for on-line dating, the signal to noise ratio is very low. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince or princess.
If in your initial encounters with someone, if they give any indication of being rude, a flake or a narrow minded dweeb, move on. The odds are overwhelming that you're seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Avoid people who want extended e-mail communication before a phone call. Phone calls tell you more about whether you connect with someone than e-mails do. And the empirical evidence is clear that those who want extensive e-mails rarely step up to the plate. Most extensive e-mail communications never go any more. Presumably you're doing on-line dating because you want to meet someone rather than find an e-mail buddy.
Get to a phone call as soon as possible. If on the phone you're not psyched about someone, don't meet; the odds that they'll be better in person are low.